Everywhere I look. pregnant. I went to a baby shower today my excuse for rushing out was picking Abigail up from dance, which was true but tears filled my eyes all the way across town. The joy and excitement of a new baby, her large round belly and the oodles of presents with tons of pink tissue paper. I really have no idea how to describe the hurt in my heart. I feel robbed of all the joyous beginning feelings, don't get me wrong Jackson is doing great now but don't think I don't realize he should be walking now. It's all the dreams and and goals you have for an unborn child I think that is what I am mourning. Without even knowing it you plan every aspect of their futures. Our physical therapist is now on bed rest for the next two weeks assuming she lasts that long. I didn't even want her in my home after she told me she was pregnant (that was 8 months ago and I was crazy then) only I realize I must still be a little crazy. Crazy for selfishly wanting all those feelings again, when in reality I just want those feelings back for Jackson. I want the confidence of knowing he will go to college and play sports. I want to know I am going to rip my hair out wondering where he is after curfew. A friend just got licensed to foster newborns. I am insanely jealous yet how do you let someone take them away from you. How do you detach enough so if they leave you can still function, yet attach yourself enough so that baby knows unconditional love? This was a tough day.
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2 comments:
I feel this post in ways I can't even begin to describe to you Jenn, I have goosebumps just responding to it.
It took me A LONG TIME to be able to look at ANYONE pregnant after Makily. I had terribly hateful thoughts. It was so unfair...IT IS SO UNFAIR! Nothing will fix that, nothing will give you back all those "happy first moments" you SHOULD have been able to experience with Jackson. Only time will make it easier to deal with. You and Jackson were robbed of something that so many people take for granted. That is a tremendous loss.
Eventually you will be able to distract yourself with something else...but there will still be times you find yourself in your car tears streaming down saying "why God, why?". Just know I have those moments too.
You are not crazy, you are a loving mother who ACHES for her son to have EVERY opportunity that he should have, that you dreamed of him to have.
As for fostering, I am terrified and have a strange sense of peace at the same time. AND YES THAT DOES SOUND CRAZY, I don't claim to be sane very often anymore though! Makily has taught me that I can live through ANYTHING. She has changed me in so many ways. I do believe that fostering is God's plan for our life, I never would have even thought about fostering had it not been for Makily. I vividly remember when Makily was 6 months old in the hospital. The child in the room with us was a foster baby. I asked his foster mom how she did it, I told her I could never do that, it would be too hard. Her reply totally changed the way I looked at fostering. She said "It's hard but if everyone said it's too hard and they can't do it then these babies would have no one EVER that loved them unconditionally even if it was just for a short time".
WOW
So I am mortified and excited at the same time.
Life is damn hard....DAMN HARD.
I am praying for you and I have felt EVERYTHING you are feeling.
Jen - I went through all thse feelings too for Maia - and I still do - even after 13 years, I still ache that she isn't going to "be" what I expected. The pain went away quite a bit after we adopted Jaida and Jaxon - but I still ache for what I hoped for her. That is a grief that is hard to resolve.
I have people surrounding me that are pregnant, so easily, some not planned, and it drives me up the wall that I had to go to such expense to build my dream though adoption, when others can just get pregnant at the drop of the hat and oops, not planned but there they are.
It's hard to understand why. If you go over that rainbow one day make sure you ask me and Trish to join you - because we get exactly what you feel.
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