My Brain Hurts

As many of you know I have frequent headaches, and as a headache sufferer you spend a great deal of time trying to decide why you have a headache, and how to get rid of said headache.  I have decided my headaches are due to my brains inability to quit thinking.  I am going ninety to nothing in my head at all times.  I am having a hard time sleeping because I am thinking, thinking, thinking.  I am grateful for my creativity and would not like to lose it but it has been on overload lately.  I have ideas swimming around in my head and not the time to actually make them.  Anyone who has great relaxing techniques feel free to let me in on it.  

I Want To Be Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Everywhere I look.  pregnant.  I went to a baby shower today my excuse for rushing out was picking Abigail up from dance, which was true but tears filled my eyes all the way across town.  The joy and excitement of a new baby, her large round belly and the oodles of presents with tons of pink tissue paper.  I really have no idea how to describe the hurt in my heart.  I feel robbed of all the joyous beginning feelings, don't get me wrong Jackson is doing great now but don't think I don't realize he should be walking now.  It's all the dreams and and goals you have for an unborn child I think that is what I am mourning.  Without even knowing it you plan every aspect of their futures.  Our physical therapist is now on bed rest for the next two weeks assuming she lasts that long.  I didn't even want her in my home after she told me she was pregnant (that was 8 months ago and I was crazy then) only I realize I must still be a little crazy.  Crazy for selfishly wanting all those feelings again, when in reality I just want those feelings back for Jackson.  I want the confidence of knowing he will go to college and play sports.  I want to know I am going to rip my hair out wondering where he is after curfew.  A friend just got licensed to foster newborns.  I am insanely jealous yet how do you let someone take them away from you.  How do you detach enough so if they leave you can still function, yet attach yourself enough so that baby knows unconditional love?  This was a tough day.  

Finally A Call Back

I one week later, got in touch with the medicaid lady.  She seemed nice and understanding. I do feel for her since she is the only person in this area for several counties.  She is planning a trip this way the first week in May and will send me the paperwork today.  Based on the few questions I answered on the phone she said it sounds like he will qualify.  So for my sanity and peace of mind pray that is is one less thing we will have to worry about.  I am starting to feel achy I hope it is only from taking care of two kids all week.  

Jumping On the Bed

OK I was awakened by a 4 year old jumping on my bed at 7:20am.  If you know me this was not cool.  I hate getting up in the morning and if at all possible I want to wake up on my own especially not in such a  violent manner. I would be a much happier person if I could sleep till 10:00.  The only comfort that came from that is that a child with mono would not have the energy to jump around the way she is.  Plus she hasn't had a fever since around 2:00 yesterday.  

In other news........ Hilary Clinton won Pennsylvania :(  Chris is much upset.  I wanted Obama to win simply so things would settle down around here but no I guess they are going to fight to the end.  Cute story about Obama--- Abigail had what is called Donuts with Dad last week.  They invite the dads to have donuts and the kids have made presents for them.  One of the presents was a place-mat, and in each corner was a question the kids answered about Dad.  

1.  My Dad is ___ years old.    answer 4

2.  My Dad is as strong as an ______ answer elephant

3. My Dad likes to cook_______   answer meatballs

4.  My Dad watches _____ on T.V.  answer Barack Obama  :)

Secondhand Serenade

Secondhand Serenade is my new favorite right now.  Chris came home one day saying I just heard the best song on the radio but I have no idea who sings it. (That has happened to you before) He sat at the computer for hours (we are both somewhat obsessive personalities) trying to find this song.  After about three days of searching I tunes and the radio's website Fall For You was the song.  I had actually heard it before and liked it myself.  All of his songs sound the same but for now I'm diggin' the sound.  

Mono Maybe

So we were at the doctor again today.  They are quite used to seeing me now.  Only for the first time ever my baby girl is sick.  Sure she has had colds and allergies but not fevers and sore throat. The strep test was negative so she is on Augentin for tonsillitis and if she still has a fever in three days we need to have blood work done to rule out mono.  Apparently it is going around.  Please pray it isn't mono that means six weeks of stuck in the house and sick.  Please no mono.  I can't imagine if Jackson were to get it, and being in the same house how can you not.  I have decided not to freak out yet but I am nervous.  She is still her happy great self and you wouldn't think she was sick.  I'm really not trying to be a whiner but we really don't need that on our plate right now.  

Great Guy

I got flowers today.  My 21 year old cousin was standing at my door with them.  He  just moved here and I am so excited to have him around.  He has always had a special place in my heart and now I see him about once a week.  He has been a great help and great company.  When I had gall bladder surgery he was at the hospital with us and drove me around for a week after the surgery.  He comes over to do his two loads of laundry and is awesome with the kids.  He and Chris like the same movies and joke around a lot.  It's funny that something so small like a bouquet of flowers can make you feel like a million bucks.  Life is Good when you feel like a Princess!

Painting the Floor

When we moved into our house almost three years ago we knew we needed new carpet and still haven't done anything about it.  The only carpet we have in the house is in the bedrooms.  I am glad I didn't get new carpet because Abigail has managed to make more stains than a rug can cover.  My friend Michele called and said you have to come look at what I have done.  She ripped up the carpet in her daughters room, sanded the glue and painted the cement.  Oh my gosh!  it is way cute!!!!  SO......... Poor Tisha (business partner who paints hint hint)  I am going to rip up Abigail's carpet and beg, plead and buy her something pretty so she will come paint her floor.  I will post pictures periodically through what promises to be quite an adventure.  

Fingers Crossed

If one more person tells me Jackson should be on Medicaid or that he should qualify for SSI I might blow up at them.  I agree, I completely wholeheartedly agree.  Anyone who has a medically dependent child should receive services from the government they pay taxes to.  This brings me to the keep your fingers crossed portion of the post.  Apparently there is a waiver program for Medicaid called the Medically Dependent Child Program.  My understanding is that the child must stay in a nursing home for 24 hours to qualify.  I'm sure this is a type of loop hole to help declare them medically dependent.  I have the number to call in my area so pray that all goes well and that they are helpful and speedy.  I have struggled with guilt wondering if I am really needy but you know what there are so many things Jackson is going to need that are out of our grasp.  I just want to know I tried everything before we go ahead with surgeries this summer.

Beautiful Babies

Good News Bad News

O.K. Just got back from the doctor.  He gave me an antibiotic for what is more than likely a sinus infection.  He was way impressed with little man.  We haven't been sick since we came home from the hospital Yeah.  He admitted he thought he would be seeing us often and that he would have pneumonia alot, so go Jackson for staying healthy.  He is thinking once the cleft palate is fixed drainage will get much better.  I have doubts based on other kids stories.  Anyways the bad news is the helmet really didn't reshape his head.  This I know and trips to Dallas were wasted.  The fact that we had to have it off for so long didn't help.  He thinks we will have to have it surgically fixed.  This scares the hell out of me.  Apparently this is important so his skull doesn't fuse before his brain is finished growing.  While I am sick about the idea we don't need complications down the road.  

Enough of that I really don't want to stress over that right now.  I just got an email from this amazing photographer in Dallas and we won a photo-shoot.  I had to write about Jackson's story and we all know how touching that is soooo.  Her site is andreahughesphotography.net   if you want to check it out.  Her son has a rare condition as well and wanted to offer a contest to special needs families.  Thanks Trish I wouldn't have known about it without you.  I am so excited.  This is great great news.  

Snot and more Snot

Jackson has a doctor appointment today.  He has a cough and some drainage go figure.  I think we all live in a constant state of this.  I just hate to see him cough, a runny nose I can handle.  When I read the emails from my Emanuel's support group it seems like the kids are sick all the time with some form of pneumonia, so I am fearful when Jack gets sick.  The speech therapist was thinking sinus infection so we will see.  This past week ran smoothly just busy.  The store is staying busy and orders are pouring in.  I am trying to get more stuff listed on etsy so check back once in a while. I was a hostess for a bridal shower yesterday and am hosting one in my home at the beginning of May.  The last of Chris' bachelor friends are getting married, which means I will be hosting baby showers in the near future then I am finished.  I am showered out.  At some point they just aren't fun anymore.  I guess the highlight is getting away from the kids for a few hours.  It's nice to get dressed up and not have a child wiping their nose on your shoulder.  

Make Me Believe

The Sugarland song Make Me Believe came on the radio last night and a very powerful memory comes with this song so I thought I would share.  

As many of you know  Jackson's fourth month of life was spent in Dallas.  That is 6 hours away from family, friends, our home.  Carrie you so wonderfully keep Abigail during this time.  Thanks again.  For me this was probably the darkest of our times.  While in Dallas the doctors found something new daily.  Not just something little it was this is what's wrong and we are going to operate tomorrow.  It was hard to stay positive.  Chris and I were in Jackson's room at the hospital when his phone rang.  It was Michael (Chris' best friend since third grade)  he and his fiancee (my step sister) were in Dallas for the Kenny Chesney concert.  Not only were they going to the concert they had tickets for us.  This was a total surprise.  The concert was about an hour from the hospital in an outdoor soccer complex.  We had amazing seats floor level.  It was June in Texas so yes it was hot.  Then the sky decided to open up and start raining.  We first tried to stay dry with makeshift trash bag ponchos.  We gave in and enjoyed the rain pouring on us.  I remember thinking how symbolic the rain was and how it was somehow  washing away all things I had stressed over for months.  I sang at the top of my lungs, I laughed something I hadn't done in months, and after a few margaritas felt like I could survive anything. Sugarland came on before Kenney and they were amazing.  Chris is Rock 'n' Roll so he didn't know the songs.  They started to sing Make me believe and we danced in the rain crying over the words holding on to each-other for dear life.  We have tried to tell our friends just how much that night meant to us but there aren't words.  That was the one of the most wonderful moments of my marriage.  When everything was crashing down around us we danced in the rain.  You never know how much a simple act of kindness is going to impact someone.  They saved us that night, and they made us believe.  

Never Satisfied

Never satisfied.  I caught myself whining about having 12 orders to finish by Tuesday.  Now that is a great thing and I want the business to do well but..... (kicking and screaming) now I have to actually do the work.  Chris even told Abigail your mother is locking herself in her sewing room and you can't bother her.  He generously let me work for several hours today without interruption.  I'm starting to be caught in a vicious circle of spending all my time doing orders and not making new things, but without new things what will people order?  I'm now finished whining. 

As a side note a good friend emailed me today and asked for prayers for her daughter Kylie.  She has had seizures most of her life and they can't seem to figure out why.  Her last one was the worst yet.  Please pray they can find the right medication, or cause to stop the seizures.  So many of us know to well what it feels like to worry about your child for medical reasons.  

My day to Shine

Glitter.  I can't figure out where it comes from sometimes.  I realize there are a lot of crafting supplies around the house so I guess that is technically where it comes from.  None the less I am always finding glitter on myself.  As we were getting out of the car Abigail yells "Momma your shining!!!"  Sure enough there was a piece of glitter on my nose.  As I tried to get it off she seems upset.  She then says in a mature kind of way "Don't you want to shine?  I wish I could be shiny." for which I replied "baby girl you shine all the time just by being you."  That sums up my purpose as a parent.  I always want my kids to feel shiny.   

I Want A Sister

I want a sister.  These words are uttered daily from Abigail.  She tries in subtle ways like this morning walking to her classroom she says jackson is my precious brother(yes that is exactly what she said) and he would love to have a little sister.  The drawing she came home with on Tuesday had three people.  One big person in the middle and two small people on either side.  When I asked if this was Mommy Jackson and Abigail her response was no i am the big one is the middle with my Jackson and my baby sister.  Clever.  Many of you know I over indulge my children.  Remember the shopping addiction in earlier post?  I almost feel like I should give her a sister.  I mean after all she wants one.  Sigh.  I know in my head I couldn't handle it if we had another sick baby, but my heart tugs at the idea of just one more.  If anyone out there has an extra baby sister let me know so we can resolve this dilemma. 

Sweet potatoes in my hair

I just finished feeding Jackson sweet potatoes.  He lovessssssssss sweet potatoes.  He unfortunately tends to have food come out his nose.  This would be cute if it was a small amount, but he sneezed and orange goo went everywhere.  He seemed to shake it off and want another bite.  (He finished the whole jar by the way)  As I was sitting here reading comments I brushed my hair out of my face to discover he had blown this orange goo in my hair.  Being a typical busy mom I was not scheduled for a shower for another three days. Ha Ha.  Here's to all the moms who could use an extra unscheduled shower!!!

I live in Chaos

I live in chaos.  If you have been to my house you would quietly agree.  I don't know why I can't seem to keep a clean house.  I think I have finally figured out I am creating the mess and the mess is dominating my life.  At the beginning of the week I made a list.  The days of the week were displayed with the rooms of my house divided and chores.  My goal not only clean up but clean out.  So this is the third day I'm pumped. This is an amazing feeling.  Maintaining will be the harder goal.  My shopping has a lot to do with the mess I'm in now.  I have fought the urge to get a Target fix for two days.  I don't even need anything!!!!  My will power is being tested here.  Here's to hoping I can kick the shopping habit and finally have the clutter free house of my dreams.