I am a mess today. I started bawling in front of the new physical therapist. I hate for other people to see me cry. I felt so pathetic. She started asking me if I had a support group or a counselor I really don't want to admit I might need that. I thought I didn't want to say anything to Abigail about Jackson's condition unless she asked. Well she is asking and having a hard time with therapists coming to work with him. I think it is that she isn't getting attention. I told her he needs extra help learning things. I don't know what else to say. I don't want it to be real. Saying it out loud saying it to her makes it real. I want to pretend everything's fine. I want to pretend it's normal that my 14 month old baby can't sit up.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Ranting
I don't want to be a mom today. I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I want to throw a fit and scream why the hell me? Why my baby? I'm tired of having to work so damn hard just to sit up. I'm tired of changing out his bedding because I left the feeding machine on and it went off automatically. I'm tired period.
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5 comments:
I know.....I know, damn I know.
I am tired here too, it's a tired that unfortunately never goes away. Just gets easier to deal with. Time is the only thing that helps...even still there will be days that you will want to go into the closet and cry...and that's okay, as long as you come back out.
He will sit up, it takes a hell of a lot of work but he will do it. I remember thinking Makily never would...and she did. She is standing with help now and I keep saying "ugh will she ever walk?"
Deep down i keep saying yes she will
I guess tired runs in the emanuel parents bunch.. things will get better.. you just have to tell yourself hes a gift from god and he will be ok..he is so cute.. atleast hes happy.. i still have problems too. just be strong.. our kids are almost the same age if you want to chat.. just email me..
Oh Jen, haven't I just had a million moments like this. YOu do have a support group - we are all here for you and know exactly how you feel. Jackson will sit - I remember the early days of therapy with Maia. Have your moment and don't feel guilty about feeling it...you will feel tough as a nail some days and as weak as can be others. But you'll build up the strength, and when you can't lean on the rest of us...email me or call anytime...
p.s. I wanted to say Jaida asks about Maia all the time, Maia can't talk mom? She can't do crafts at school mom?" We go over and over it...She now announces to complete strangers that her sister is "special and needs lots of help". In time it will be easier, she'll understand. Each step is hard mentally and then each step gets you to a higher level....
Jen, Hi you commented on my blog a week or so ago about Abigail's Bouncer Chair. I got it through AAA Medical and the company that makes is is called SouthPaw Enterprises. I think you should be able to google them and if you have a medical company that you work with like AAA Medical they should be able to get it and bill your insurance and/or Medicaid if you have this for your son.
On a different note, regarding this post, I completely understand your heart! I for the longest time would be offended by anyone asking if I have gotten involved with a support group for the very same reason... I can't because then it makes it real! The other question I got a lot was do I have help, nursing. I NEVER wanted anyone taking care of Abby, let a lone a stranger! Allowing someone to come into my house, forget it! Even though I so desperatly needed it. We live reality, but in our hearts want to shun it away because the pain is so great. We shun it away because who wants to reach out and embrace it.
Abigial is 3 now and it has become easier for me to share, encourage, and see the joy through the tears. Abigail has taught me so many things through hard lessons, but good at the same time. I always knew that she was a gift from God and He does not hand out mistakes... there is a reason for her, why He created her to be as she is! Just like your special little one!
If you ever want to chat, e-mail me :) hislittlelambs@msn.com
May God bless you and give you strength for each day!
Tamara
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