My reason to Live

Hi

stand

Stand in the Rain   Superchick

She never slows down

She doesn't know why but she knows that when

She's all alone

Feels like its all

Coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries

The first tear

The tears will not stop

Raining down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when its all crashing down

You stand in the pain

You won't drown

And one day what's lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself

and the fears

Whispering

If she stands

She'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything

She's running from

Wants to give up

And lie down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when its all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown 

And one day what's lost can be found

You stand in the rain

Ranting

I am a mess today.  I started bawling in front of the new physical therapist.  I hate for other people to see me cry.  I felt so pathetic.  She started asking me if I had a support group or a counselor I really don't want to admit I might need that.  I thought I didn't want to say anything to Abigail about Jackson's condition unless she asked.  Well she is asking and having a hard time with therapists coming to work with him.  I think it is that she isn't getting attention.  I told her he needs extra help learning things.  I don't know what else to say.  I don't want it to be real.  Saying it out loud saying it to her makes it real.  I want to pretend everything's fine.  I want to pretend it's normal that my 14 month old baby can't sit up.  

I don't want to be a mom today.  I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  I want to throw a fit and scream why the hell me?  Why my baby?  I'm tired of having to work so damn hard just to sit up.  I'm tired of changing out his bedding because I left the feeding machine on and it went off automatically.  I'm tired period.  

Lubbock or Leave it

So we drove two hours on Friday after Chris got home from school so that Chris and Jackson could have a short stay in a new "hotel".  They only had to stay from 7:30pm to 12:00am.  Abigail and I did some shopping while we waited for them to complete their stay and then got a hotel room of our own.  The nurses packed in to see a baby.  Apparently Jackson hammed it up for them and was very intrigued with them.  I guess if you are used to seeing elderly people this was a great change. After picking them up at midnight we were all exhausted.  We spent Saturday driving around our old stomping ground.  I am always surprised at how much I miss Lubbock.  Then again those were the good days of going to class and having no job, no kids and nothing to worry about.  The town has grown so much!  We drove past our old town house it brought back a flood of memories.  We are truly blessed to have had such a good time early on in the relationship.  Thirty days from now Jackson will be on medicaid!!!!! 

I Love The Flower Girl

Here is a preview of the amazing wedding photos.  Abigail definitely stole the show.  She was the best flower girl ever.  OK so I'm biased but she even cleaned up her petals when she was finished.  We had a great time.  It was nice to let loose and have fun.  We danced all night and were very silly.  Many more pictures and stories to come.  I also have dance recital pictures to upload.  Till then ...............

When You Say You Love me

Sometimes we forget to slow down and hear the things that are really important.

I Hear You.  I Feel you kiss my cheek every morning, and without fail you whisper those treasured words.... I LOVE YOU

Dearest Husband,

Know I love you with every beat of my heart.  I am grateful I got to see you through others eyes last night.  Your energy and passion for a better world continually makes me fall in love with you over and over again.  You walk into the room and my heart melts.  I live for our conversations about any and every thing. I watch the clock and wait for your phone call to come home. You listen with all your heart and hear every word.  Your ability to listen to all sides of a story make you rare. Your strength and conviction are truly inspirational.  Believe you are a positive force to be reckoned with.  Believe you make a difference.  Believe you make people better for having known you because I am better for having known, and loved you. Congratulations for making it through another year.  You are an amazing teacher.  

Love

Your Best Friend

Manic Monday

As I sit down with my calendar I realize this week is just too much.  I cancelled on tonight's bunko to finish orders due tom.  Then get a call from the in laws saying we are having dinner with family that came into town.  I adore Chris' aunt and haven't seen her in many months, but yikes what a time crunch.  Also in that is Abigail's last two rehearsals before the recital at 4:00 on Sat which we will promptly leave so she can go to a wedding rehearsal to be a flower girl.  This wedding includes family that will be staying with us so that means a mad dash to clean the guest room/craft room.  Chris has an awards banquet on Tuesday night.  Throw in all therapies for Jack the last special days at school for Abigail meaning shopping for a bathing suit for splash day etc etc.  I am a little overwhelmed this manic monday.  There's to hoping it all gets done or that I realize life will go on even if it doesn't get done.  Listening to the song makes me realize all these things require me to figure out what I'm going to wear. Do I even have that many dresses? UUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Hold you Miracles close and treasure every moment!

Miracle - Celine Dion

You're my life's one Miracle

Everything I've done that's good

And you break my heart with tenderness,

And I confess it's true

I never knew a love like this till you...

You're the reason I was born

Now I finally know for sure

And I'm overwhelmed with happiness

So blessed to hold you close

the one that I love most

With all the future has so much for you in store

Who could ever love you more?

The nearest thing to heaven,

You're my angel from above

Only God creates such perfect love

When you smile at me, I cry

And to save your life I'll die

With a romance that is pure heart,

You are my dearest part

Whatever it requires,

I live for your desires

Forget my own, needs will come before

Who could ever love you more?

Well there is nothing you could ever do,

To make me stop loving you

And every breath I take,

Is always for your sake

You sleep inside my dreams and know for sure

Who could ever love you more?

I Love To Sleep!

Is there any thing more precious than a sleeping baby?  

Medicaid Here We Come

Yeah!   Prayers answered!  Thank you for all your support.  I had a meeting this morning and we are moving forward with the Medically Dependent Child Program.  This will gives us Medicaid and nursing hours to use when we need.  There are also budgets for things if we need to make modifications to our home to best suit Jackson.  I am on cloud nine right now.  I can't explain the burden lifted from my shoulders.  Yeah!

Thanks Be To God

Thank you God for making me who I am 

Thank you God for giving me Passion for life

Thank you God for giving me Strength and Conviction to stand up for what I believe in

Thank you God for giving me Love in my heart instead of Hate

Thank you God for the perspective, and vision  I have for the future

Thank you God for all the Miracles I have been privileged to witness

Thank you God for giving me Today and all that today means

Thank you God for this and every day I have left on Earth

Some of you know what kind of week I have had and the struggles in my heart.  Thank you for listening and being my voice of reason. I love you all.