Pics!

A new day

I feel much better. There is something therapeutic about writing your feelings, exposing yourself to others thoughts. I ordered Caroline's bedding this morning and have been busily working to clean out both girls rooms. I have decided to get new carpet while we are at it. I haven't finalized that and am going to attempt to haggle my way into a better deal. I really didn't want to spend more than 2500 for the three bedrooms and the hallway. It is going to cost about 3300 so I may have to go back to the drawing board. I am working hard to reassure myself that what ever happens is by design. Something I know all to well but for some reason I don't think you can completely surrender to that.


I refuse to spent my last pregnancy upset about what might happen. I want to enjoy every moment and realize what a miracle this truly is. I am getting another girl!!!! I have so many hopes and dreams for our family. I try so hard not to give into dreams afraid of the disappointment if they don't come true. This is nonsense. I realize that now. To live a life afraid of the unknown is not living. I will probably slip up from time to time, but I will try hard to keep this attitude up.
Thanks for all your words of encouragement and prayers, they really do make a difference!

Randomness

My crazy life. Where to begin. I have been all over the place lately. Pregnancy hormones not so great. I have found myself in constant panic mode. I have spent the last two years getting myself to the "good place" I had given up the idea that i was in control and had found a way to accept things as they came. Did you notice the past tense in that sentence. I have worried and stressed the last 16 weeks about things I have no control over. I have been irrational and prone to cry. Again I blame hormones. I go to the doctor every other week because of my high risk status. My experience with Jackson and the five months in the hospital not to mention the emergency birth have scarred me in a way I can't put into words. I idea of doing all that again sends me into a panic attack. I thought being told she was healthy genetically would elevate that. I was wrong. I so desperately want to calm down and enjoy what will be my last baby. I want to glow and be ecstatic. I'm having trouble doing that because of fear. I am fine as long as I stay busy which isn't hard but if I ever have any down time I am thinking and worrying. Any tips on how to chill out would really help.

Switching gears. I met with the nutritionist and she says he is getting half the calories he needs. Crazy I know. So we are starting on a new formula and this formula can be ordered through our nursing service which means medicaid will be paying for it. That is a huge weight lifted. Hopefully this will provide Jackson with the much needed energy and nutrients. I am really excited. I have given in and will now have his nurse 16 hours a week instead of five. I love her she loves Jackson things are amazing on that front. I am excited I won't have to get him out as much as the winter weather is starting.

I have picked out bedding and figured out Caroline Rose's room. The bedding is called the John Lennon collection. It has bright colors hot pink, lime green and turquoise. The bedding says All You Need Is Love. I have already bought her a lava lamp as a night light. Tisha will be painting large flowers and peace signs on the walls. It will be so cute. I am losing my sewing room. I am moving Abigail in there and the baby in her room. This is really more work than necessary but the sewing room has better closets and when she's older she will be glad she has that room.

The song in the back ground is coldplay. I heard Chris listening to it the other day and asked him about. He was surprised I haven't heard it and said he listened to it over and over when Jackson was in the hospital. He finds it symbolic in a very different way than I did. As I listened to the words I found myself thinking of it as me talking to myself. Saying as I go through all of this my life I will continue to try and fix you. I hope you find meaning in it for yourself as well. I can so easily identify with music and treasure a song's ability to put my feelings into words. Love you all.


Fix You Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Don't forget to pause music at the bottom to watch video!

Barlow Girl- Never Alone ( WITH LYRICS)

weight loss

I am frustrated. Jackson has been steadily losing weight for a while. He is eighteen months old and only 13 lbs and 14 oz. About six months ago he was 16 lbs. The next time we checked he was 14 lbs. 6 oz. then todays weigh in was the 13 lbs and 14 oz. I have been trying to get a nutritionist to see him. Apparently that takes an act of congress. His pediatrician who I thought I loved in starting to frustrate me too. he said that Jackson could move to a new formula called next steps because he is older. I looked at the ingredients and they are the same as what he gets now. I'm not sure how that is supposed to help. Those of you who have tube fed babies please direct me. What type of feeding schedule do you have. I think I am starving him but how am I supposed to know.

Big News!

I am so sorry for the month long hiatus. In my defense things around here are big time changing. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. Yes I know you just had to reread that word. We have been pretty tight lipped about it for the obvious reason of genetics. We had saddled the fence on whether to have another baby for a while. Should we take the chance and how would we survive having to hear another baby was going to have problems. We had made some hard decisions concerning the pregnancy and were trying to move forward with whatever would happen next. Everyday I found myself thinking I didn't have a miscarriage today, but there's always tomorrow. We then made the decision to fly to Dallas and have a test called a CVS. That tests the placenta and does a DNA test. I had the test done on October 1st. The real waiting began. I jumped when the phone rang and spent hours imagining what the phone call would sound like. Chris who is always the champion in these situations had the best of hopes, while I wouldn't allow myself to be happy. All that being said I still played around with names looked at nursery bedding and made so many plans. I guess you can't stop yourself. The phone rang at 8:15 in the morning as I was trying to get Abigail ready for school. The ID said out of area so I almost didn't answer it. The women said This is vicki from Dr. Weiss' office and thank goodness I was in the kitchen near a chair. My hand was shaking and I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing. She continued to say everything came back 100% normal, would you like to know the gender? I started bawling and shaking harder.





WE ARE HAVING A HEALTHY BABY GIRL!






I for some reason still have trouble believing it. I can't seem to relax even after being told things will be fine. I know too much now I have seen too much. I was severely pre-eclampsic with Jackson and that is why he was two months early. I am trying to stay positive. Things will be changing big time around here. The baby is due April 23rd. Please pray that everything goes smoothly with this pregnancy.