Pics!

A new day

I feel much better. There is something therapeutic about writing your feelings, exposing yourself to others thoughts. I ordered Caroline's bedding this morning and have been busily working to clean out both girls rooms. I have decided to get new carpet while we are at it. I haven't finalized that and am going to attempt to haggle my way into a better deal. I really didn't want to spend more than 2500 for the three bedrooms and the hallway. It is going to cost about 3300 so I may have to go back to the drawing board. I am working hard to reassure myself that what ever happens is by design. Something I know all to well but for some reason I don't think you can completely surrender to that.


I refuse to spent my last pregnancy upset about what might happen. I want to enjoy every moment and realize what a miracle this truly is. I am getting another girl!!!! I have so many hopes and dreams for our family. I try so hard not to give into dreams afraid of the disappointment if they don't come true. This is nonsense. I realize that now. To live a life afraid of the unknown is not living. I will probably slip up from time to time, but I will try hard to keep this attitude up.
Thanks for all your words of encouragement and prayers, they really do make a difference!

Randomness

My crazy life. Where to begin. I have been all over the place lately. Pregnancy hormones not so great. I have found myself in constant panic mode. I have spent the last two years getting myself to the "good place" I had given up the idea that i was in control and had found a way to accept things as they came. Did you notice the past tense in that sentence. I have worried and stressed the last 16 weeks about things I have no control over. I have been irrational and prone to cry. Again I blame hormones. I go to the doctor every other week because of my high risk status. My experience with Jackson and the five months in the hospital not to mention the emergency birth have scarred me in a way I can't put into words. I idea of doing all that again sends me into a panic attack. I thought being told she was healthy genetically would elevate that. I was wrong. I so desperately want to calm down and enjoy what will be my last baby. I want to glow and be ecstatic. I'm having trouble doing that because of fear. I am fine as long as I stay busy which isn't hard but if I ever have any down time I am thinking and worrying. Any tips on how to chill out would really help.

Switching gears. I met with the nutritionist and she says he is getting half the calories he needs. Crazy I know. So we are starting on a new formula and this formula can be ordered through our nursing service which means medicaid will be paying for it. That is a huge weight lifted. Hopefully this will provide Jackson with the much needed energy and nutrients. I am really excited. I have given in and will now have his nurse 16 hours a week instead of five. I love her she loves Jackson things are amazing on that front. I am excited I won't have to get him out as much as the winter weather is starting.

I have picked out bedding and figured out Caroline Rose's room. The bedding is called the John Lennon collection. It has bright colors hot pink, lime green and turquoise. The bedding says All You Need Is Love. I have already bought her a lava lamp as a night light. Tisha will be painting large flowers and peace signs on the walls. It will be so cute. I am losing my sewing room. I am moving Abigail in there and the baby in her room. This is really more work than necessary but the sewing room has better closets and when she's older she will be glad she has that room.

The song in the back ground is coldplay. I heard Chris listening to it the other day and asked him about. He was surprised I haven't heard it and said he listened to it over and over when Jackson was in the hospital. He finds it symbolic in a very different way than I did. As I listened to the words I found myself thinking of it as me talking to myself. Saying as I go through all of this my life I will continue to try and fix you. I hope you find meaning in it for yourself as well. I can so easily identify with music and treasure a song's ability to put my feelings into words. Love you all.


Fix You Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Don't forget to pause music at the bottom to watch video!

Barlow Girl- Never Alone ( WITH LYRICS)